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[08 Feb 2009|09:51pm] Update: I do not like Adam, I am just very sexually frustrated and he is the only guy I can see myself doing it with. I fucking love Captain Morgan because it gave me the best OJ ever with my two best friends in the whole entire world. Me, Crystal, and Ariel had a jam session with Crystal's mom and it was simply amazing. I was tapping on an African drum and her mom was singing and playing the guitar and she has such a beautiful voice, I was taken aback. And I am determined to find somebody who can stick with me while I still pursue everything I want to. post comment

[03 Feb 2009|08:52pm] So in the last couple of days I have a renewed look on things. Guys are pigs and for some reason we always let it affect us. I've never tripped over a guy so much and it was all in a matter of a day or two. I feel like I'm over it because of last night and how it has made me look at things. I know what I am and I don't need anybody else to tell me anymore. I want to stop doubting myself so much in everything that I do. I basically do every single thing for my parents, and every time something bad happens, I don't worry about how it is going to affect me, but my parents' reaction. I just feel like they have already written me off as a failure because Tim was a genius in high school and still fucked up in college so they expect me to definitely do the same because I'm not taking school seriously now. I keep my job at Kitchen Collection, the most irritating, fake, hypocritical place I have ever witnessed, just to keep my mother off my back. I am stressed over having to pass all of my classes at Meramec or my parents won't pay for Mizzou. I get three fucking tickets in two days for speeding and for my insurance card being expired one day. I'm already paying off a speeding ticket and now I have two more to add to the bunch. That happened last week and I still have not told my mother. I don't know how. Because I don't worry at all about the fact that I have to pay for them but the fact that my mom is going to give me such shit over getting them. I realized that almost everything I do at the moment, I do for my parents, and stress over making them happy. The only thing I can think of that is going to make me happy next, is Mizzou, and that can so easily be taken away from me. Plus, I am going to be stressed over passing all of my classes there or else my parents will pull me out before I can even get settled. Ariel told me last night that I have to stop thinking about what is going to make everyone else happy, but what is going to make me happy. I need to stop doing everything for my parents' reasons, and start doing things that I wanna do for my own reasons. And I tested that out with Adam, and it backfired, but I think it was worth it. Because I have a feeling, a small feeling of confidence, that he is going to turn around. And I am really going to try to change his mind. But if it still doesn't work out, then it just doesn't work out. I know I will find someone. Fuck, I'm going to a completely new surrounding, where everyone is from different places, and I am going to meet someone who will make me happy. But even though I trip over Adam, I think I have already found my true loves and they are Ariel and Crystal because I would not know what I would do without them. They always understand and they always know how to make me feel better. Every time I think we can not get any closer, it just happens that we do. I just wish everyone knew how we were because once people put away their fucking judgments and just hang out with us without any stupid drama attached, then you have a good time. I know those two so fucking well, and the only reason that they are not chased after is because people do not give them a chance. You have to really know somebody before you can ever think negatively of them and I know that now. post comment

[22 Jan 2009|01:28pm] I'm so excited about my future. Apparently it's bragging, but whatever. Right now I'm taking two classes at Meramec and they're with Crystal and Ariel. We have a 2 hour break between each class where we can just go to the little strip mall a couple minutes away and chill in a coffee shop. I'm also taking a Digital Photography course online, but I don't even know how to look at assignments yet. In the fall, I'm moving to a dorm in Columbia with a complete stranger. I'm going to take a 5 year Journalism Master's degree program. All the while I expect to lose weight, meet a shit load of different people, possibly study abroad, and make my parents proud. Once two years are done, I hope to get an apartment, and for the first time live on my own and be able to do whatever the hell I want with each room. My kitchen is going to be yellow and orange and look like it came out of the 50's. After I'm done with college, I want to quit smoking cigarettes, and cut down a lot on bud (which is going to be cut down already because of college). I'm going to join the Peace Corps and do whatever I can with it for a couple years. I want to set money aside to take a year off and travel. After all of this, I want to settle down in an apartment in Chicago or San Francisco, and I don't care if it looks like crap because I know I can work it. Then I want to set up a permanent job at some company as a photojournalist where I hope to travel the world even more. And throughout the next 20 or so years, I will be writing a book. I have started on an outline, and I'm just going to keep adding to the chapters with new experiences and it is going to be amazing. I want to be able to tell my kids what I did when I was a kid and what I did in college and what my life was like before I had them. And then they are going to travel with me. post comment

[15 Jan 2009|12:56am] (1) List 16 celebrities you would have sex with without even asking questions. (2) Put all of them in order of your lust for them. (1 is the hottest.) (3) Say which movie/show/thing it was that hooked you. (4) Supply photos. ( this will be fun ) post comment

[11 Jan 2009|03:39pm] I took a little random 5 hour (turned out to be about 7 hours) drive to Chicago with Ariel, Crystal, Adam, and Montu packed in my little Saturn. We drove through a blizzard and when we got there, Chicago was covered in snow. We really only went to the park and the lake before driving all the way back even though we really wanted to go to Navy Pier and Chinatown but my GPS was being a faggot. ( It was definitely worth it though. ) post comment

[25 Dec 2008|02:00pm] So like, this is definitely the best Christmas so far. I have a weird relationship with my 22 year old brother. All our lives we hated each others' guts in a normal, sibling way, but we never "hung out". When we got older we stopped fighting, but we never really talked. The only times we spent alone were when he would give me a ride somewhere and we would make small talk on the way. Our whole lives it has just been small talk. But my brother stayed the night so he could open presents in the morning so I ask him if he still smokes and turns out he does. I smoke four bowls with him and Ariel and we were GONE because Dedric hooked us up as always. For the first time, me and my brother actually had a in depth conversation. It was so surreal because I have never talked to my brother about anything before besides like, college. Midway, he pauses before he takes another hit and says, "I have to say, I've only smoked two bowls with you and I feel like I know you more right now than I have my whole entire life." It was just bizarre in the most amazing way. For the first time we actually BONDED, and we shared stories about smoking and cruising and shared our own takes on stories with our parents so it would kind of fit the puzzle together and everything would make sense. I didn't get to sleep until 4:30 because of that and my mom woke us up at 7:45, but it was worth it. I got a 50$ gift card to Lush, a Polaroid portable printer, and... I wasn't even expecting it! Now I can finally be serious about it so expect a lot of updates with photos coming up. Christmas 2008 will always be in my memory. post comment

[23 Dec 2008|03:10pm] Summin up: I graduated high school last Thursday with no problem. I never have to go back. I still have my job, and I am the only one out of all of my friends who has a job, which is starting to make things difficult. I got extremely lucky when it came to that speeding ticket because instead of owing my mom around 800 dollars, it is only 400 or so. Christmas is almost here which means my hours will be knocked back down to 20 so I don't have to work a 7 hour shift every fucking day. I still can not wait until I can go to Mizzou and I'm not scared about it at all. Chelsea is going to come down here in a matter of days. We are going to get shrooms and trip on them at my house with Adam and Crystal on New Year's Eve. Everything is in its right place. post comment

[10 Dec 2008|05:51pm] Get a fucking job because if you expect me to pay for everything then it should be on my time, not your's. post comment

[23 Nov 2008|10:51am] I thought Twilight was the most awkward, miserable experience of my life. 1 comment|post comment

[12 Nov 2008|01:37pm] I don't have time to ever get online anymore but yes, I'm still alive. and Yes, I'm still so fucking bored with the same old routine. School, work, school, work, school, work. 35 days left and that routine is fucking broken. No more school and another job awaits me. 2 comments|post comment

[02 Nov 2008|10:44pm] I don't know. I'm grounded for the week I guess even though my mom didn't tell me how long. I am so fucking done with work I am an inch away from quitting altogether but I want to find another job first. I'm out of bud and it sucks. School is so fucking hard to go to and I can not wait until I am done with it. Because I keep skipping it and my parents keep threatening not to send me to mizzou just cause my brother fucked up. But whatever. If they really don't want me to do anything with my life I won't go to college and I'll live in their basement and smoke pot til I'm 30. That doesn't seem so bad right now. post comment

[26 Oct 2008|01:51pm] I saw my first shooting star last night. It was amazing 1 comment|post comment

[15 Oct 2008|10:19pm] So Friday I get paid (should be around 200), get fucked, Saturday is fucking OBAMAAA at the Arch and then Cobra Starship shortly after, then Sunday I work for Vicki 12-6 Tomorrow I have ISS, whoopy post comment

[14 Oct 2008|03:26pm] I'm not going to have anyone next year while I'm at Mizzou. It's going to be faaantastic. post comment

[06 Oct 2008|05:35pm] Every day I wake up dressed for fall. The mornings are chilly as fuck with fog everywhere. By the time I get out of school at 11, the temperature has raised about 30 degrees, which is really starting to get annoying. I'm tired of summer. Because every second that it is still warm makes it feel like December is way too far away. School still doesn't feel like school. I never have any homework, or real work to do so it's been four hours of reading time for me. My senior year is a carefree ride so far. I think I'm losing my touch with basically everything. I never write anymore because all of my classes involve being fed to like a baby besides senior seminar and even then I only express things on our too sparse papers. Fuck RP because everyone I try to write with and everyone who I have tried to write with want nothing to do with me for some reason and I guess I accept that fact. It's been about two years of beating a dead horse so I'm done with it until this whole trend of bullshit has gone down the drain. I doubt it will so I guess that is a hobby I am done with until someone convinces me otherwise. Photography is another thing I've had trouble keeping up with. My digital camera is a piece of shit and I refuse to use it besides taking snapshots of people in the Obama mask. I'm still a fatass so the D60 is still a far off ways. My 35mm involves film that involves developing and both involve money which I don't have. Ever. Cause I spend it on bud and cigarettes. Which is basically all I really need, anyway. I still have my acceptance letter to look at. Even though I will not see myself accepted until I can get my shit in gear and get a 29 so I can be accepted into the Journalism school. I am just excited to prove to my parents that even though high school was a joke and I treated it as such, I am ready to really start off my life with the right steps that my brother and basically everyone in my family had looked over. Still have those three that I just look at and have that "Oh I wish" sigh. I wish for anything really. On every 11:11. Hahaha, it's pathetic really. If only, if only. And again I feel like the odd one out. I'm just there with no definition. It's always this endless cycle though. ( recent shenanigans ) p.s. You're just a trailer trash joke who won't ever get passed that. It kind of makes me feel sorry for you, but not really. You bring all your bullshit on yourself 1 comment|post comment

there's a very good moral to that story. if you happen to be an oyster [29 Sep 2008|10:27pm] i fly like paper get high like planes we bought an obama mask from party city and we be cruisin with him all the time he's our new best friend. got a new friend that gets me fucked up crystal's trippy shit is the best thing ever my act score was lower than before so i'm fucked again and have to take it again i have a paper due yesterday to write about a society's morale is more enforced than the natural morale mankind is born with. i'm one and a half pages done, three and a half to go. this week is homecoming week. its tradition ever since animal house came out, that the seniors wear togas the first day of spirit week so we all got our togas spraypainted with school colors and crap on friday with all the black people because the white people are lame and wanted to do it on sunday so we made friends with them and it was much funner than i thought it would be i've been up since 3 o clock and had only slept for 4 hours before that had to work today so i'm basically dead. i have a photoshop assignemnt to do and this paper before i can go sleep but instead i'm here talkin and shit tomorrow i have class and then right after i babysit christina's kids 3:15 to like 9:30 or some shit which is cool cause i need cash off to read about kohlberg's theory of moral development and bullshit my way through this bitch. life is chiiiill post comment

[20 Sep 2008|01:41pm] Dear Jennifer, Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted for admission to the University of Missouri-Columbia for the 2009 Fall Semester. sweet. 1 comment|post comment

[17 Sep 2008|10:09pm] School hasn't affected me too much. I still feel like it's summer besides the getting up early part and never being online. Ever. But I'm kind of enjoying that aspect. No more frustration for me. I definitely am smoking too much and if I ever want to get another job (for instance, working the desk at a vet's office that is available) I would fail the drug test pretty badly. But I don't even feel like worrying about that at all. Kitchen Collection hasn't been bad lately at all and unless I am offered a fantastic job with fantastic pay and fantastic hours, I think I will be sticking with it. Ariel got me a pretty pipe for my birthday and I've been hitting that like a champ. Once we get our paychecks on Friday we are going to Forest Park, being idiots before going to see something at the IMAX. Our plans are also to go to Six Flags and at least 2 haunted houses stoned. Shows are coming up which is exciting since I have not been to one since Warped Tour which seems like a long ass time ago. Cobra and TAI. Tai is October 30, so I am prob staying home from school on Halloween and finding a party to go to because I'm being stoner Jesus and I need to go somewhere for it and show it off. Been reading a lot more lately since my first hour and fourth hour are basically 10 minutes of work and then 50 minutes of nothing to do. I read Catcher in the Rye finally and can't decide if I liked it or not seeing as it really has no story at all. Next in line is Possible Side Effects by Augusten Burroughs, Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk, White Oleander by Janet Fitch, and Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr. Since I have all of these books already and haven't bothered to ever read them. My credits for school are completely taken care of. My transcript should be sent. The ACT scores from when I took it Saturday should be sent soon as well (though I am definitely not feeling that 29 and if I end up getting it I will probably piss my pants). I'm basically in already since you're just about 100% guaranteed if you get a 25 or higher. I just want my acceptance letter! And my senior pic proofs cause they are going to look hella tight. Speaking of senior pictures, I was told 5 minutes before, while I was already at home, that our senior panoramic picture was being taken today. So I haul ass over there and get there just when people are starting to get on the bleachers. (If you can call them that, they were more like boards on sticks holding 500 people) You could not move because everyone was too close together. I stood next to Jenn, while sandwiched between musty and loud and spitting while talking football players behind me and a stinky stoner guy in front of me. It took about an hour but it was still an experience I suppose. I have three months left of school. Three. Fuck, I wish I could go to Mizzou in January :( 1 comment|post comment

[07 Sep 2008|08:26pm] So this past weekend was my 'birthday' weekend, and it was definitely the best time spent on my birthday ever. Friday night I worked, but afterwards went to one of Adam's friend's place. We stayed out in the backyard playing beer pong and flippy cup. I didn't drink anything, but I had a blunt with my name on it at exactly midnight. It was hella fun until there was a car accident right across the street which kind of killed the buzz for awhile. Stayed over at Ariel's and then went home to get my birthday present from my parents which was a GPS. Something I didn't feel like I really needed, but I will once this summer rolls around. Road triiip. After that I dyed my hair a nice darker brown, went to go pick up Mikayla and Adam came along. Passed by the nicer mall on the way back and I bought some hella fire tea. And then I got my 20, went back home to the bonfire already lit outside. People started rolling in until about 9. Adam #2 (now called JT), Mikayla, Ariel, Crystal and myself smoked and smoked all night. I've never smoked so much but I was so good. People started leaving around midnight until it was just me, Ariel, Mikayla, and Crystal. Ariel went home before we went to Steak N Shake, which was an unpleasant experience. Some 37 year old creeper sat down next to us and was flirting with Crystal, pointing out that it's really obvious we were stoned out of our minds, blah blah blah. He finally left, but came back and asked if we wanted to meet his mom and of course Crystal said yeah and went to their table for like 15 minutes. All the while the guy is like touching her hair and shit and it was very uncomfortable and time to go. Dropped Crystal off and then got home. Smoked about 4 more bowls while watching Alice in Wonderland, trippiest shit ever. Had the best sleep of my life. Dropped Mikayla off and made a stop to Spanky's where she bought me a vibrator which I am so excited about, haha. Took her to her friends who had some horses, took a couple pictures, stopped by the mall to get pants for work since we can't wear jeans anymore, met up with Ariel and now I am here again. I applied to Mizzou Thursday night. I am nervous even though I really have nothing to be worried about since my ACT score basically guarantees me in already. But my transcript is still fucked up and my school needs to fix it, I take the ACT again (hopefully the last time!) on Saturday and those scores will be sent to the school. I can't wait to get my acceptance letter, I can't wait to graduate, I can't wait to be OUT of here. It's nice knowing which friends care and which ones don't. I feel like 100 pounds are off my chest. 1 comment|post comment

oh my! a post with a photo! been months [02 Sep 2008|05:27pm] I am skipping classes galore. That needs to stop. I did go to my college class today and it was much better than I thought it would be. Everyone's pretty chill and as our first assignment to get comfortable with the class, we had to go up in front of everyone and complain about something. So I complained about Crystal and her annoying assumptions that everyone (i.e. me most of the time) will go out of their way to drive her around for lunch and then pick her up from school when we have other things we'd like to do like sleep. Even though she could walk a good 10 or so minutes home and never gives any gas money even though she likes to say she will. My negatives were too dark in Photography so I have to retake all of the pictures which pisses me off because they would have turned out really well if they did develop correctly. My mistake on that, but I don't see how we should be able to do all of the things she asks for by mentioning it almost offhandedly a week before we do any of it. And I won't be able to get my film until tomorrow, which means I won't be able to develop it until Thursday. And tomorrow will be rainy as shit so my pictures will also turn out to be shit. To make matters worse, my mom has been having this stress problem which she loves to point out is me and my brother's fault with our issues with money (money I don't have, mind you) and her job that she has been with for over 10 years laying off people left and right, her probably being one of them in the upcoming months. So apparently she has to be put on 'happy pills' (her words) which means I do not want to be home but I have no money/no gas to go anywhere else because someone insists on me driving them everywhere and coughs up some gas money oh, every two or three months. Huh. So even though I'd like to be completely away from the computer at all times and off doing other more entertaining things, I will probably be stuck here more than usual. And my frustration at everyone and everything will multiply and I will eventually shoot my foot off everyone will drive ME places and I won't have to spend any more money on gas, B&N will hire me because they will feel sorry for my disability, and hell, I might even get some nice scholarships too. post comment

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